December 27, 1998 I noticed my first grey hairs just before New Year's Eve. I know, you're going to tell me I was born with lots of grey hairs. No, these were under my eyes in an area that was supposed to be entirely black. It was a shock, let me tell you. I immediately resolved to live and get as old as I possibly can. I never thought I'd feel mortal.

January 5,1999 My parents have been totally engrossed in the septic tank. This all consuming interest is peculiar, to say the least. I offered to share one of my litter boxes with them, a generous gesture, I thought, but so far they haven't taken me up on it. I have noticed that they are eyeing up an antique chamber pot that sits in one of their display cases. I wonder if its value rises or falls if they put it to practical use?

January 21,, 1999 My idiot parents went out and bought a treadmill. They had the nerve to suggest that I use it to lose weight. They actually said I have all the energy of a slug during the winter. Well, what do they expect? After all, they zap me with estrogen every time I look like I'm going to become active. It seems to me that that machine is superfluous. For far less money, they could just shuffle in place. I understand gerbils use such a device. Maybe that's why my parents bought it: they have the mentality of rodent.

 March 14, 1999 I'm in need of something and don't know what. I've been in a bad mood all weekend. I haven't wanted to associate with anyone. Whenever the parents open my door, I close it again. I've barely gotten out of bed, I've been so blue. I have gotten out of bed long enough to eat though. In fact, dinner wasn't prepared fast enough last night, so I employed the old toenail trick again. It's ever so much more effective than just pulling on the toes. My surrogate mother wears Birkenstocks around the house, so toes are always available. You hook you strongest fingernail right under the edge of the nail and yank back as hard as you can. When a hand comes down to disengage you, you threaten to sever a finger with your teeth. All the while, you keep the pressure on the toenail. Humans, standing on only 2 feet, can't possibly use the other one to push you aside. It's extremely gratifying. Try it, you'll see.



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